In Defense of Myself

I have been a bit busy feeling anxious about America, and when I feel anxious, I am not creative.  However, I have been summoned to write, so I write.

A few days ago, a friend of mine texted me and told me he was disappointed in my blog titled, “The 21st Century Insult that Works!”  His reasoning was that even though I admonished people for using words like “gay” and “retard”, I myself was still being offensive because in the word of choice, “tard” was still being used.  He said “fucktard” was really just a derivative of retard and I was offending anyone who knew anyone with any form of mental disability.

If you know me, you know I do not like to hurt people’s feelings.  I did not see it the same way. I tried to defend myself.  Little does anyone know, but when I write a blog, sometimes I research a bit.  I myself wanted to make sure I was not about to do exactly what he was accusing me of doing.  For that particular blog, I researched the meaning of tard and found that in and of itself, the word means late.  I do not find late to be offensive, unless it’s my period; I’m way too old to get pregnant again.

In relation to a slangy definition, I found it meant “stupid shit.”  Again, not offended, unless it’s the day after corn, and then it really is stupid how much I shit!

So, I pled my case, and I felt like he was still disappointed.

I do not like to disappoint, just like I do not like to offend anyone, so I have been suffering with guilt for days.  I actually went back on-line and studied more, and I will now share what I have discovered.

If I cannot write or say fucktard, than these words must also be erased from the English language:

  1. Tardy.  No one will ever be allowed to be late or sluggish again.
  2. Fire Retardant.  Sorry fireman, you may no longer slow or check the spread of fire.  So when “The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire….” it’s going to continue to be on fire because we will be “burning down the house.”
  3. Don’t even think about wearing a unitard!  Every super hero in the world is going to be pissed about this one, but Under Armour is doing amazing things with athletic shirts and tights.
  4. And lastly, this one came up in my feed today.  To be honest, I may fit into this category of TARD.  I, along with many of my fellow Americans are a little slow on understanding how the 45th presidential race ended with today’s inauguration.  We have a diagnosis known as TARD: Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder.  As of right now, there is no known cure.

So you see, words sometimes use base words from other words, but that does not definitively mean they are mutually exclusive.

Thus, I stand behind my original blog post.

Being a fucktard has nothing to do with having a mental disability.  If anything, it is the exact opposite!  A fucktard is a narcissistic fool who suffers from hubris and thinks his time and his ideas are more important than anyone else’s.  A fucktard is nothing short of a genius, but because he is slow to realize he is not the center of the universe…. yep, you got it… he’s a fucktard!

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, the universe gives us a gift we must savor, enjoy, and share

 

Maggie has been under the weather for the last few days.  She missed two days of school earlier in the week because she was vomiting.  Yesterday, she felt good enough to attend school, but then told us that she spent half of the day in and out of bathrooms: gastrointestinal issues.

She barely ate dinner, and when she said she still felt ill, I was putting the dishes away and happened to notice the bananas on top of the refrigerator.

“Honey, eat a banana.  Maybe even try to eat two.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because bananas are binding, and you will feel better.”

“What do you mean, binding?”

“They help make things in your intestines solid so that you won’t have the issues you are having.”

“Mom, that’s gross.”

Ah, a typical teenager, complaining about how miserable she feels, but when her mum offers advice, she turns it down as sheer lunacy.

A few hours later, I was lying in bed watching the DVR’d  Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when I saw my phone light up.  I looked over and the text was from Mags.  Yes, the same Maggie who was lying on the couch one floor below me, a wee small flight of stairs away.

9:53PM
This banana thing is no joke.

You feel better?

no but I feel the banana
What does that mean?

idk I feel weird
You know you’re not supposed to put it up your  butt, right?

You’re supposed to eat it.

umm I have to go                                                                                                                                     

Poop?

no

Take the banana out of your butt?

mom youre disgusting

Yes.  Yes.  Maybe I am.  However, I had to be sure.  I am her mom!

The 21st Century Insult that Works!

I pause when I hear insults– berating remarks that are targeted at an individual, but actually diminish a sect of people.  No, I am not trying to be overly politically correct.  I mean, let’s call a spade a spade.  However, I think it outlandish to call a spade a shovel and expect the shovel not to be offended.

In a world where terms like “retarded” and “gay” should and do bring backlash when being hurled as insults in polite conversation, I find that a word exists that packs all of the same punch, but it is not and cannot offend anyone but he or she who is demonstrating qualities of unbelievable stupidity.  It is a word that does not belong to a population yet, and it is a word that surely should be used to describe certain people from all segments of society: rich, poor, white, black, blue collar, academic, etc.

The word is “fucktard.”  Yes, that’s right: fucktard.  No word embodies the sheer asinine behaviors of foolish individuals better than this one.

Let’s play through some examples:

  1. You reach the stop sign on a street before the person opposite you reaches his.  You are going straight, he is turning left.  You wait the appropriate three seconds before you begin to move into the intersection, and said opposite driver barely waits one, and he dashes out to make a left hand turn.  You slam on the breaks so as not to hit his car.  God, what a fucktard!
  2. The man in front of you at Starbucks orders a skinny, sugar-free hazelnut latte with an extra shot of espresso, and then impatiently waves his phone in front of the clerk because his time is more important than anyone else’s and he needs to earn his Starbucks app stars, and then waits even more impatiently while the barista prepares the beverage, and then when she hands him said beverage he glares at her and says, “Where’s the whip cream?” and she apologetically mumbles about the “skinny” in the order but willingly wallops  a crap ton of whip cream into his cup… the only word anyone is thinking is fucktard!
  3. The beauty of this word is that it can be used as an adjective, too.  When the future leader of the free world tweets:

How is ABC Television allowed to have a show entitled “Blackish”? Can you imagine the furor of a show, “Whiteish”! Racism at highest level?

One might respond with, “Really, Future Leader! That’s fucktarded!  A comedy as    “highest level of racism.”  Of course, some might just outright call this gentleman a fucktard, but as a red-blooded American, I feel the need to respect the nation’s choice.  However, I will admit, I think a lot of what he says is fucktarded!

So, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to remove words that offend from our vocabulary, words that many use as default because they are too lazy to think of better terms.  It is time to focus on making America great again.  It’s time to call a spade a spade, and a shovel a shovel.   And as true-blue, patriotic Americans, it’s time we call all the boneheaded, nitwitted imbeciles the name they deserve: fucktards!